The Last Test You’ll Ever Pass
It’s 2015, I’m 515lbs standing on a massive oversized novelty scale in front of the Heart Attack burger joint on Fremont street in Las Vegas.
The Numbers 5 – 1 – 5, displayed above me in huge red numbers.
The Crowd Cheers!
And half a dozen people rush up to get a picture taken with me, shouting out, “OH MY GOD, You’re the biggest man I’ve ever met”.
Was it a proud moment, or something to be embarrassed about. I’m not sure. I’m definitely not one to shy away from a bit of public attention, but I’m not sure what this is exactly.
So I grab another pint, and continue walking the street with my wife, having fun, and interacting with the crowd as we go along.
It’s the biggest I had been in 8 years. I was still down from my heaviest size of 550lbs, but definitely up from the 390lbs I was at 5 years earlier.
A little bit about me – I”m a BIG MOTHERFUCKER. 6’8” 450lbs. I do yoga, I walk every day, I can rock out some Turkish get-ups, and easily lift my 80lbs kids over my head with one arm 10 times. At 390lbs I was running 4k, 5 days a week, and hitting the gym every other day.
Most people can’t even fathom that I weigh how much I do.
I remember as a kid watching old Looney Tunes cartoons, always confused about why they would draw the men as big guys, with tiny legs….
It wasn’t until I was about 27 that realized that I am that guy. Long torso, strong upper body, but short legs. I’m a goddamn cartoon.
The obvious truth was that at 515lbs…
I needed to lose some weight. I was out of shape. Sex sucked. I was not confident about myself at all and I was losing the race.
After 5 years of being with Chandelle, having two kids, and working a job where you sit all day in an office that supplied you lunch — so they can get more productivity out of you… I had ballooned up 120lbs, tipping the scales at 515lbs.
So it would boggle your mind to know, only 3 months earlier, I was religious about going to the gym, and was going 3 to 4 times per week. That was until….
She Tested Me…. And I failed.
I came home one day after my workout, and my wife was losing it.
“This isn’t working…. You going to the gym every morning, and I’m left here with the kids trying to get them ready for daycare, you have to stop! I can’t handle it anymore… It’s not working…”
Then came a long list of all the things she needed to do in the morning, and all the things I (supposedly) wasn’t doing because I was taking time out to better myself and get in shape.
I got hit with what some describe as a Shit Test.
At its most basic level, a shit test (fitness test, or value test) is a test for leadership in your relationship. If she tests you and you fail, you’re allowing her to lead you. If she tests and you pass, you’re stepping up as a leader and setting a direction for your life and setting boundaries in your relationship. On another level these tests allow her to judge your fitness for mating (hence the name fitness test).
This often comes when you try and change yourself for the better, or do something which displays more Alpha-like qualities.
Your woman will test you. She wants to know that you’re not only talking the talk, but you’re also walking the walk. Which means, holding true to your path. Even if it’s a new path.
I didn’t hold true to my path, I crumbled. I failed the test (although in my limited defence, I didn’t know these kind of tests were a thing until years later).
That morning, we had a long fight about how she wasn’t happy. How it was my fault. How I needed to step up and help out more around the house, with the kids, and with the family.
So I did the same thing millions of other men before me had done.
I stopped going to the gym, but I wasn’t happy about it and it made me feel like shit. If I did go however, I felt guilty, and I felt like I was being an asshole and that I was hurting her because I was being selfish, doing something for myself, and not her.
— You might think. Yeah well you did the right thing. Or you might think — RUN!, She’s fucking crazy… Either way, your woman wanted you at home more, she told you to stay, and here you are. Doing the right thing. Being the husband and father you set out to be. Sacrificing yourself, for the betterment of your family and business.
You. Would. Be. Wrong.
We all deserve to be a little selfish. Is she not being selfish when she demands you quit?
I failed that test, and over the next few years, as our relationship got worse and worse, I failed a lot more tests. I didn’t know I was failing though… I didn’t know they were tests. I thought I was doing what I was supposed to do as a good Man, as a good father and a good husband. I was doing what I could to make my wife happy, by doing what she asked.
After our second child was born, Chandelle and I were sleeping in different rooms, we weren’t having any kind of sex, and we were more like bitter roommates than a couple who had been together for 6 years. I picked up the book The Way of the Superior Man, and these quotes changed my outlook on everything:
The most loving women are the women who will test you the most. She wants you to be your fullest, most magnificent self. She won’t settle for anything less. She knows it is true of you. She knows in your deepest heart you are free, you are Shiva. Anything less than that she will torment. And, as you know, she’s quite good at it.
And Another…
Your mission is your priority. Unless you know your mission and have aligned your life to it, your core will feel empty. Your presence in the world will be weakened, as will your presence with your intimate partner. The next time you notice yourself “giving in” to your woman, postponing your mission and denying your true purpose in order to spend time with her, stop. Tell your woman that you love her, but you cannot deny your heart’s purpose. Tell her that you will spend 30 minutes (or some specific time) with her in absolute attention and total presence, but then you must return to carry on your mission.
Your woman will be more fulfilled with 30 minutes a day of undivided attention and ravishing love than she will with a few hours of your weak and divided presence when your heart really isn’t into it. Time you spend with your woman should be time you really want to be with her more than anything else. If you’d rather be doing something else, she’ll feel it. Both of you will be dissatisfied.
― David Deida, The Way of the Superior Man
And one more….
“If you don’t know your purpose, discover it, now.
The core of your life is your purpose. Everything in your life, from your diet to your career, must be aligned with your purpose if you are to act with coherence and integrity in the world. If you know your purpose, your deepest desire, then the secret of success is to discipline your life so that you support your deepest purpose and minimize distractions and detours.”
What he’s saying is that your wife wants you to be your true self. To have goals and ambitions. To set out in the world to become your best, most optimized self. However she’ll test you at every turn. She’ll do everything she can to make sure you’re committed to staying on your path, anything less and you’ll both be miserable.
After reading that book…
I Started Passing Shit Tests
Little at first, but I was learning.
In the world of the enlightened man, these tests (or mini fights) are called “Shit Tests” and there are three kinds. Comfort tests – which usually take place during her period when she’s feeling the least sexy, and a little vulnerable. There are Value tests – which take place during her fertile phase or just after when she feels the sexiest, a little cocky, and way more confident. And there are what I like to call Princess tests, these could be at any time.
It’s important to know the difference. While this article is about Value Shit Tests, when she’s feeling cocky, strong, aggressive, and she’s ready to challenge you.
A Comfort test usually comes when she’s feeling more vulnerable. When she doesn’t feel powerful and she wants to know you still find her attractive and you love her. By handling a Comfort test like you would a Value test you can blow shit out of the water.
In a comfort test she wants reassurance, and to know that you’re committed to her. She’s seeking security in the questions or accusations that come up.
While a Value test, is a test against your strength, your manhood, and your leadership. She’s checking your fitness. Her body is urging her to mate. Like all animals – The human animal – we subconsciously want to mate with a partner who is going to give us the best and strongest offspring.
The alpha male, who is confident, physically fit, and strong will typically sire the strongest offspring.
The Princess test, is to push you to see how many tasks you can complete that she’s perfectly capable of completing herself. Kind of like the whole getting you wrapped around her little finger idea. How far can she get you to go. What are you willing to do for her. While not as important as a Value Test or a Comfort Test, it’s something to keep in mind. If she’s constantly asking you to do something she’s 100% capable of doing on her own, you may want to consider, asking her to do it herself.
By Testing you, she’s trying to determine if you’re the best option.
However, if you’ve been the weak man who has been giving up control, and she’s been leading in the family and in the relationship for any length of time, then she may not see you as the best option. That’s why she has to test you once you decide to become a better, stronger, more confident you.
She wants to know that your value is high, and that it’s not a bunch of BS.
She probably doesn’t even know why she’s doing it. It’s generally a subconscious reaction for her. Most of the time when she’s administering a shit test, she’s doing it for a reason she can’t even fathom, but rest assured it’s done to subconsciously see whether you will pass or fail. It’s an entirely emotional response to your change.
Strong Men – Alphas – Pass the shit test.
Weak Men – Betas – cower in the face of a shit test.
Let me tell you that I cowered in the face of many shit tests. I failed, and as I failed, our relationship kept getting worse.
I had no path. No backbone. No direction to pull her along for the ride. I was weak and when she tested me, I caved, and jumped right back on her path. I didn’t know what else to do.
It didn’t matter what the circumstances were, just that every time I had gone to do something extra to better myself and grow, or to set out on a path I believed was good for our family, or to pursue something I was passionate about, I was tested – And I failed.
I could even sense it coming. I was expecting it to happen.
Up to a week before the actual blow out there would be a tension in the air. I could tell something was wrong. It would all build up, the energy in the house would change, and it would grow until she couldn’t handle it any more and she would explode.
As I started writing a book – Tested and Failed. As I started going to the gym – Tested and Failed. As I tried to steer our company in a new direction – Tested and Failed. All the while being hammered to stand up and be the leader she, and our employees, and our family was looking for.
Why We Fail Shit Tests
When we don’t know about these tests, we fail because of fear. Fear of letting her down. Fear of losing her. Fear of never having sex again. Fear of seeing her unhappy. Fear of her rejection.
As Men who don’t know… we are insecure in who we truly are and we lack the confidence to set critical and necessary boundaries in our relationships.
In my article Winning Your Wife, I touch on how a man’s greatest joy is to see his woman happy. To see her smiling face when he looks into her eyes. To simply be happy together.
Shit tests bring up a fear that you’ll never see those things again. On the surface the most obvious solution, and your initial reactions says that it’s better to cave to the shit test and see her momentarily happy. After all that’s what we want. Her happiness.
Even if it means we lose a little part of ourselves in the process.
The counterintuitive thing that happens when you actually challenge her back, is that she’s more than momentarily happy. She starts to feel confident that you’re leading and she feels more secure in the idea that you have a plan you’re sticking to. That brings her happiness, because a large piece of her anxiety is gone knowing that she’s no longer making all the decisions.
The Day I Passed My First Shit Test
It was early spring and we had just moved from Saskatchewan to go live in Southern BC, in Wine Country. I decided I was tired of being out of shape and so I started going to the gym again for probably the 5th time.
And – Right on Cue – We got in another fight. However something was different this time. I remembered the quote from The Way of the Superior Man, I knew this blowout was coming, and I knew that I was dedicating time to better myself. I was setting a new path, and I was working at change. I was determined to succeed.
So on this day, I said no. I set a boundary, and I made it clear that I was not going to stop. “I’m working on myself, and I’m taking time during the day to better myself. If you’re going to be pissed, then be pissed. This is happening.”
It was the start of a new path in life.
Years later, after many shit tests passed, I talked to Chandelle about it and she told me – “I have no idea why we had that fight. I was thinking about it later, and of course, you needed to go to the gym, you weighed 500+ pounds. If anyone needed to exercise it was you – Yet I still fought with you about it. It doesn’t make any sense”.
She now loves that I talk about shit tests with other men. It’s a critical piece of advice every man needs to know and something every man needs to know how to pass.
At the time though, she wanted me to stop. To go back to the way things were. Back to the comfortable predictable me.
Subconsciously she wanted to know my change was permanent. That I was dedicated to my change and that I was committed to becoming a better version of myself. When I finally stood up and said this is my path, relief washed over her. You could see her calm. It wasn’t an issue any more. I listened to her vent. I listened to what she had to say, but I let her know that I wasn’t about to change.
A few minutes after the fight started she said – “I don’t know, maybe I’m just jealous that you’re taking time out for yourself, and I’m not. Maybe I need to start going to the gym too.”
Your Woman Will Test You to Strengthen Your Commitment.
She wants to know that you’re dedicated to the direction you’ve set out for yourself. It makes her proud of you and it makes you more attractive.
When you pass these challenges she’ll feel a sense of relief. This is what makes her actually happy. That you’re taking action and being the man you promised to be. The man with a life who dictates his own path, just like when you first met.
Do you remember when you first met? You had friends, you had hobbies, you had interests other than her. You did your own thing, and she came along looking to tag a ride on your journey.
At some point the Happy Wife Happy Life Syndrome set in and you started doing what you thought would make her happy. However…
Caving, failing or crumbling to a shit test does not make her happy. You following her path, does not make her happy. Her being the leader does not make her happy. She then becomes the decision maker of the family. She becomes the alpha.
In the heated moments of her tests, everything will seem to make sense to her. She feels it in her soul that what she is doing is right and she’s justified in acting the way she’s acting. It’s an emotional response to her fertile time of the month, and to your new found desire for change.
You pass this test by standing your ground, and continuing to live in your frame. You put yourself at the center and pass the test. Keep on your path. It’s a test to see if you’ll go in her direction.
You need to stay on your path to succeed.
This is why you want to remain top dog – or become top dog if you’ve been letting her rule the roost in your relationship. She may love what you’re doing ( going to the gym, working on your leadership, building your business) but she’s going to test you to see how serious you are about it.
The strongest and best mates are going to continue on their path, even if they get in an argument where she’s calling your idea, or your commitment into question.
A quick example…
The Fisherman Packed Up Everything and Headed Home…
I was talking with a man in our community a couple weeks ago who was having a problem with his wife. After hearing his story I let him know that he had just failed a massive shit test, but he could fix it if he acted quickly.
He told me…
They have been married for a couple of years, and due to some type of medical condition he has been taking care of her. Since he has become her primary care aide, it had been some time since he took time out for himself.
So on a Saturday he made plans with his buddies to go fishing. He got up early, washed the cars, took the dogs for a walk, cleaned the kitchen, did laundry, and arranged everything for her while he was going to be away. He felt guilty to be going, but he was excited because he knew it was something he had to do.
All men need time to bond with other men. We can’t spend all of our time with the women in our lives and hope to remain sane.
Half way into his fishing trip she called. Screaming. Losing it. Demanding that he get home now. How was she going to get through the day.
She told him that no husband of her’s was going to be out on the ocean fishing. No husband of hers was going to leave her at home while he went out for the day with his friends.
This was a make or break moment for him… and he broke.
He crumbled and he packed up everything.
He had his buddies drop him off at the marina and he rushed home to be with his wife. He dropped what he was doing, dropped out of his frame, got off his path for the day, and rushed right back to where she was in control.
This was a shit test. He started to pursue something he wanted to do and she tested him to see how committed he was to his new plans.
When we spoke, he was pissed. He knew it wasn’t right and I told him, She probably didn’t even know what she was doing that day. She only knew that something was different. There was a change in the air and emotionally she needed to try and squash it. She was likely filled with some type of anxiety and fear, and did the only thing that made sense to her at that moment.
Get angry and get him to come home, abandoning his plans.
Passing The Fisherman’s Test…
Unless there was a real emergency (which there wasn’t) he could have told her that he loved her, and that everything at home was taken care of, and that he’ll be home later with a delicious supper for the two of them.
He was on his adventure, he needed some time with the guys, and he can’t wait to see her, but it won’t be until later.
— In the moment for him, this probably would have brought up a lot of guilt, fear, and anxiety. It’s not easy to forge a new path, especially as his women is testing him on his shit. But he would have passed. She may have even been mad when he got home. But by passing shit tests, and continuing to pass shit tests, her respect, and attraction for him would continue to go up as well.
Her tests would become less and less.
To Fix the Fisherman’s Fail
After an event like that you must go home and have a conversation. You being calm, need to be the leader and explain that you are setting out on a new path, that involves hanging out with friends, and pursuing hobbies that don’t involve her.
It’s a plan that is better for the both of you. Let her know that what happened wasn’t acceptable, and that you don’t have to accept it. That you have a plan and a direction that you need to be on, and you’re not wavering.
Even if she’s still losing it.
You smile. Remain stoic, and let her know what you’ve decided.
Passing a shit test isn’t about being an assohole, or not living up to your duties as a husband, or not doing your part as a loving father. It’s about being the best version of yourself she fell in love with. It’s about being the Man who did his own thing. The man who was on his own path, and wasn’t afraid to follow that path bringing her along for the ride.
Passing a Value Shit Test
Passing a shit test isn’t difficult once you realize you’re being tested. It’s simply a matter of staying calm, not taking offence, and listening.
Here are a couple tips to help you out:
- Stay calm, don’t get angry. Sure she’s quite possibly screaming at you, but take a step back for a second, and…
- Listen to her vent and let her tell you what she has to say. Recognize this for what it is, a test to see if you’ll walk your walk.
- Give her a knowing smile. You now understand what’s going on, she’s testing you. You don’t need to fight back. There’s no point. You’ve seen it all before. It’s called amused mastery. Think of James Bond, he wouldn’t let an angry woman knock him off his stoic pedestal. Be James Bond.
- Be the rock. Not Dwayne Johnson the wrestler, but a solid unwavering foundation set on moving in the direction you’ve laid out for yourself.
- Let her know you love her, but that you have a mission. It’s what you have to do.
- Continue to take action. Action over words. When you’re done, there’s no more talking about it, you must follow through. She’s watching.
- If it’s a Value test and not a Comfort test, tease her a little. Not in a condescending way, but have a laugh about it. Joke a little. Lighten the mood.
- Use something along these lines: “Here’s the deal, I have to do this for myself. – I need to get in better shape (I need to get this business off the ground, I need to ___________ whatever it is). And you can stay pissed, but this is happening.”
These are a few things that have worked for me, and other men I’ve talked to about Shit tests. They are all signs of strong, confident, competent men, who know their women all too well. When you display them, she’ll see a different side of you.
A word of warning, however: If you haven’t been passing shit tests, and you haven’t been showing up as a leader at home, or at work, or anywhere for that matter, take it slow.
When you start passing shit tests, they may get worse before they get better. Your wife may come on stronger, more frequently, as you start passing your tests. Consider it a shit test, shit test. You’re upgrading yourself so she’ll push harder to challenge you more. *** Just keep passing your tests. ***
She wants to test your dedication to the path you’ve set out. If you stick to the path you’re living in your frame (you pass), if you fail the test and quit your path – you’re living in her frame. It’s counter intuitive, but when you hold fast to your path your sexiness increases, her attraction and arousal for you increases, and you’re seen as the man and leader she wants you to be.
After months of testing out this theory on shit tests. Reading a lot more about them in a number of other books like The Way of the Superior Man, The Rational Male, Athol Kays, Married Man Sex Life Primer 101 and on multiple forums thoughout the internet, it’s clear this is very common in households around the world, however no one talks about it. Or even recognizes them for what they are.
I was having a great conversation with my good friend Mark a couple weeks ago and we go on to the topic of Shit Tests. After I explained what I had learned, what I had experienced, and how our relationship had fundamentally changed since applying these techniques he said:
“Holy shit – Every time. Every time I have gone to better myself, in almost every one of my relationships I have gotten into a fight. And I’ve backed down, and I could feel my relationship get a little worse. This explains everything and I’m blown away right now.”
During your relationship your woman will put obstacles in your way. She’ll throw up roadblocks and challenge your determination. She’ll be happy for a moment, when she wins. She’ll enjoy the fact knowing that you’re back where she’s comfortable, but in the long run, it’ll eat at her too. She’ll know that she’s the one continuing to lead, and she’ll do it, but in her heart she knows that’s not where she wants to be. She wants you to lead, and to take her on your path.
We’ll finish up with a quote from Marcus Aurelius:
“You must build up your life action by action, and be content if each one achieves its goal as far as possible — and no one can keep you from this. But there will be some external obstacle! Perhaps, but no obstacle to acting with justice, self-control, and wisdom. But what if some other area of my action is thwarted? Well, gladly accept the obstacle for what it is and shift your attention to what is given, and another action will immediately take its place, one that better fits the life you are building.”
Marcus Aurelius, Meditations, 8.32
In order to be the man you want to be, you have to be confident enough to decide your path, then stick to it. Even when you’re challenged — And you will be challenged. You need to hold fast to your commitment. You’ll take her for a ride on your journey – which is what she wants –
As John Eldredge says in Wild At Heart –
“Your woman wants to join you on your adventure, she doesn’t want to be your adventure”.
Take her on your adventure, set your path, and lead with commitment.
