Last night, after a pretty busy weekend, filled with charity events, kids birthday parties, and just getting shit done around the house, Chandelle and I plopped ourselves down on the couch to unwind.

Like we usually do on a Sunday evening we thought to throw on a movie. It’s always my job to decide what we’re going to watch. Which I’m happy to do. However, it usually takes some time to flip through our various media sources and find something that looks like it’s worth watching.

Something I find more difficult to pick a show as we move away from watching traditional television. I no longer watch commercials, and therefore don’t see any movie trailers during shows. I don’t have a good sense of what movies have come out and what’s worth watching like I did 10 years ago.

These days it takes a bit more active research to find something that is worth watching.

But I’m getting off track.

Other than picking a movie, the pains I have to go through to find something worth watching isn’t really what this post is about.

It’s about communication.

What we actually watched last night is irrelevant (I picked some rom com with Paul Rudd). The guy can be pretty hilarious. But at some point in the movie, because it’s a traditional boy gets girl, loses girl, gets girl again movie, shit breaks down and everyone gets pissed off at each other and the relationship goes to pieces.

You need drama for a movie to move forward – You don’t need drama in real life.

When you’re watching it, the problem is obvious (at least to me).

The main characters don’t communicate. They’re written that way – it creates emotional suspense. The Man is always presented as the one who messes up and loses the trust of his wife (or girlfriend). 90% of the time it’s because he’s the one who screwed up and didn’t just fucking say what happened. Or what he’s going through. He’s working through his problems, and has tried to keep everything a secret hoping no one finds out.

These movies are designed this way, because they appeal to a wide female audience. They throw in comedy, and some of the sex stuf to keep guys interested, so they’ll keep watching them with their wives.

Usually a misunderstanding of what’s going on leads to one of the characters (usually her) storming away, slamming doors, screaming, and jumping into the arms of another man. Then our main man is left scrambling, usually broken, trying to figure out what he has to do to win her back.

Remember the movie… (actually almost any movie)….

Where they could have ended the movie really quickly (which doesn’t lead to drama and entertainment) if instead of standing there like a (dumbass) deer in the headlights, the guy would have taken control and just said what was going on and how he was going to fix it.

Simple.

I was recently talking to a man who had broken up with his long term girlfriend of 5 years. After a big blowout one night, they broke up. The exact reason isn’t important, but I do know that they both refused to talk to each other.

It wasn’t until a year after their breakup that they met randomly and talked to each other. At which point they both said neither of them wanted to break up, and that they loved each other, but because they didn’t talk for over a year, they had both moved on. To this day, my cousin still says she’s the one that got away. Crazy Right?

Successful relationships are built on communication and trust.

Whether it’s in your relationship with your wife, family, friends, employees, coworkers, clients (whoever) communication is important. Thousands of conflicts and issues and stressful situations can be avoided if you focus on communication. No communication is what pisses people off. Say what you need to say, give yourself permission to say it and don’t bury what you want to say, because you can say it if it matters to you.

Most of us suffer from a fear of rejection, and a fear of ridicule. Which combined is a big part of our fear of confrontation.

If I confront this person and tell them what I want, or what I think, are they going to get pissed off, tell me to take a hike, then tell the world what kind of asshole I am?

For most men (and women), it’s something that always lurks behind the scenes.

• It’s the reason we don’t want to ask our boss for more money.
• It’s the reason why we have problems approaching women and asking for numbers.
• It’s the reason we don’t want to ask our best friends to finally pay us back that $1000 they borrowed 3 years ago.
• It’s the reason why we don’t push ourselves into the spotlight more often.
• It’s the reason for social anxiety, and why some prefer to hide away at home.
• It’s the reason why we have become complacent, coddled, and weak in today’s society.

What if we finally put ourselves out there, tell the world what we really want, and it gets flung back at us with a resounding NO!

We’ll get into that in a minute….

THE RIGHT TYPE OF COMMUNICATION

Not all communication is valuable communication. Talking for the sake of talking doesn’t win you any points in the realm of relationships. Talking about your plans for the future, the kids, your next vacation, the funny thing you saw on the way to work this morning, does.

We are often told (by the media) that women say they want their man to be more emotionally available. To express more emotions when talking with her. While in reality, if you were an emotional basket case, crying, and getting angry all the time – she’d probably be out of there faster than ______.

What they unconsciously mean though is that they want you to be more emotionally available to what she has to say. For you to be available to support her emotionally, and provide her with positive emotional feedback. For you to be her emotional rock, when she’s having a rough day, and needs to vent, you’re supposed to be there for her.

Her Stoic Rock

You are her emotional support. She doesn’t really want YOU to break down and cry every time someone crosses you the wrong way. Or for you to blow up in anger, storming around the house when you have a shit day. She wants to know that you have your shit under control.

As a man she expects you to have your stuff under control and she wants to know and believe you’re working it out.

If she’s having a particularly hard day let her vent. Let her talk through her emotions, then support her and let her know that you’re there her. Of course you are. You’re her man.

More communication does not equal you asking her to direct your life.

She also doesn’t want you to ask her what you can do to make her happy. If you’re asking her this question: “What do I need to do in order to make you happy”, then you’ve already lost.

Then you’re not a guy “Who Just Get’s It”. While it’s your job to know what she needs to make her happy. She doesn’t want to have to tell you. If she tells you, then she’s in control of the relationship, and you’re simply going through the motions hoping to get some sexy time between the sheets.

You’re her child and you’ve put her in a motherly role. If she needs to mother you, you can bet she won’t be interested in what you have to offer in the bedroom.

It is a huge turnoff for her if she needs to tell you how to show up as a man in your relationship. It’s your job to know, or learn. But not from her. It’s not her job to tell you. She has enough going on in her head, without having to direct you on how to be a strong, confident, leading man.

More communication is the two of you talking about your day, providing support for each other, while also speaking clearly and calmly about how you make your relationship better. Your wants, your desires, your beliefs, even small talk.

Sometimes the hardest thing to do is actually listen, while holding a smile, when you actually just want to defend yourself and explode in anger.

A Leader Listens, and leads by example.

In the book The One Minute Manager Author Ken Blanchard says that when there is a problem in your organization (this can be applied to your family too) you bring the person responsible in, you have the conversation you need to have, let them know what was expected and what happened. Then you let it go.

You drop it. You don’t hang on to that shit. Once you’ve said what has to be said, then say it and let it go. It’s not an argument, you both talk, everyone says their piece, and it’s done.

If you’re going to hold on to shit, you’re only hurting yourself. You’re allowing the resentment to build up, and you’re putting obstacles in the way of your happiness.

Communicating from the start.

When Chandelle and I first moved in together, we were both incredibly busy.

There would be times we would hardly talk for a couple weeks. I’d get up for work, go into meetings, she’d leave for the salon, get home at 11pm, we’d go to bed and that was that…

Every fight we’ve ever had has been because we weren’t communicating. We would go days on end without having a real meaningful conversation. We were both focused on the businesses we were building. So we were preoccupied.

Also because we were both living the single lifestyle for so long. Neither of us were used to having to communicate to someone important in our lives. Time would go on, we would see each other getting more pissed off, which shut down communication further. We would actually talk less because we thought the other person was angry, which only led to further communication breakdown.

Usually ending with a rage filled screaming match, in the car of a parking lot, of the club we just left, at 2am, after going out for a “Date Night”.

Once we started communicating regularly, things went a lot smoother. No one made any assumptions (they’re pissed at me/Why are they mad…Fuck that I’m mad, they’re being an asshole etc…. ).

As the man, it’s your job to not let it go this far. You can sense when it’s happening. You can feel the tension building up at home.

You might be going through some rough shit. You may be trying to figure out a project, your career, your boss, your business, your money, your family. She’ll sense the frustration, and possibly misinterpret that as having something to do with her. It probably isn’t. It’s in times like this as men we get stuck inside ourselves.

Our brains are working overtime to figure out a solution to the problem, or we’re being weighed down by depression and doubt.

It’s important to say something even if it’s to simply say “I”m not doing good right now. I’m really stressed out and I’m working on a solution.”

A leader let’s his team know what’s going on. It’s not a bitch fest. But it’s a status update.

Tell your wife how you feel. Connect an action, to an emotion.

A lot of times its really hard for your wife to understand your point of view, unless you communicate how the situation is actually making you feel. It gives a lot more weight to your argument or your position that if you were to simply try and argue with logic.

We are all emotional beings. Women more so than men. Although I suspect that would be a point of argument for some.

We make our decisions, and we live our lives based on how we feel at any moment. This is at the core of any relationship, and on a grander scale, any businesses marketing. If you think about it, in any relationship we’re always selling our point of view, or marketing ourselves, and our positions to our wife. We’re trying to present ourselves in the most attractive way possible.

So when you can tell your wife: Hey when you did THIS and it makes me FEEL this way. Or when this happens I feel this way and that’s why I act that way, your partner has a much greater chance of understanding your position.

NOTE: this isn’t permission for you to become a whiny, butthurt, little boy, complaining that he doesn’t get his way. It’s a way for the two of you to better understand how you both think and feel. Essentially how you process information.

My wife loves lists. I hate lists. I prefer diagrams and maps. Diagrams confuse her. She looks at a diagram that makes total sense to me, and sees jumbled chaos. I look at the list and see an overwhelming jumble of words that I need to sort through.

What makes sense to me, doesn’t make sense to her, because men and women are built differently. Our minds are different. We process information in different ways. We have different ways of learning. All people do. There are significant differences between all men. There are significant differences between all women.

It’s why some of us are suited for different roles in society. Artists, scientists, entrepreneurs, accountants… We all have a different way of seeing the world. Part of being in a relationship is understanding how your wife sees the world, and for her to understand how you see the world.

To do that, it starts with communication.

About 6 month ago, I was on my way out of the house to meet up with a buddy to go out and do some guy shit for the night. But earlier in the day Chandelle had said something to me earlier in the day, (I don’t remember what it was) but it was eating at me. I just remember I was filled with stress, anxiety, and probably anger instantly. It wouldn’t go away and I couldn’t let it go.

So before I went out, instead of bottling it up and leaving the house pissed off and ruining any chance of having a fun time out with friends, we had a quick chat.

We didn’t fight, no arguing, just simply “hey, before I go, earlier in the day when this happened, and you said or did this, it gave me instant anxiety.” I don’t like it when you do it that way because of how it makes me feel. Then she said what happened and how it made her feel, and that she didn’t realize that something that she thought wasn’t a bit deal, really affected me.

Your wife won’t realize she did something, unless you tell her.

The same shit goes for you. You may be completely oblivious to what you do and how you act. We live and react in our own ways. What bothers me, might be a “so fucking what” moment for you. Fair enough.

But as a leader, if you think of this life and relationship as your ship. You’re the captain. Your job is to take care of problems that come up. It’s your job to relay any possible issues to the crew, and squash any behaviour that doesn’t lead to the team succeeding.

If there is stuff going on that is leading you down the path to anger and resentment for anyone in your life. Then you need to step up and end it.

I know this sounds like mushy bullshit, but if you don’t convey how you feel to the other person, they’re never going to know. We can almost always understand feelings. Even if you have to relate it to how you know the person has felt in the past. Like “You know how you feel when someone runs their fingernails down a chalkboard” That’s how I feel when your friend talks in a whiny baby voice, and that’s why I can’t be in the same room as her.

I hope that makes sense. When this happens, It makes me feel this way, helps to connect the logical side of the brain with the emotional side of the brain, and gives everyone a chance at understanding.

What if she or the world says NO, when you put yourself out there!

So WHAT!?!?

You smile, turn around and keep doing you need to do in order to better yourself.

If you get angry, you turn into a spoiled child. You don’t get something just because you ask for it. However, on the flip side, you can’t get anything unless you do ask for it.

Rejection is going to happen. There’s nothing you can do about it. The only thing you can control is how you react to that rejection. If you’re going to avoid rejection, confrontation, and ridicule because you’re afraid of the world telling you no. Then you’ll never get what you want.

You’ll remain a frustrated chump who is too scared to go after his dream, because he may hear the word no.

I get it. It brings up images of people around you laughing at you, getting angry at you, yelling at you. What will the neighbours think, kind of bullshit.

Honestly who cares what they think. In reality, most of the world doesn’t care enough about you to actually realize what you’re trying to do. We often think people care more than they do. They don’t. Not at least until you start to do it. Then they’ll take notice, but it will be good recognition. They’ll applaud you, and respect you for taking action.

For doing something, or saying what needs to be said, when they themselves didn’t have the balls to do it.

You wife will respect you more. No one wants to be with a weak willed man who is too afraid, and frustrated to say what is really on his mind.

The fastest way to get over your fear of rejection and confrontation is to get rejected, and experience confrontation. You’ll soon see it holds no power over you.

IN BUSINESS,

“Business is like sex, if you don’t ask for it, you’re not going to get it”

-Some printer salesman in a bar, that I bought a printer off of for my company

A few weeks ago, we hit up a thai place for lunch, as we thought we’d get some food before a meeting.

The problem, they were super slow, no drinks, food took forever, people around us were all complaining / joking and no one was happy. Turns out, they were short staffed, because of some holiday and got slammed with a lunch rush, just before we walked in….

But they never said anything. Scared they would have more customers leave because they were behind, they kept what was going on to themselves.

People left upset. We had to rearrange our meeting, because of the chaos in the kitchen.

Imagine how may people in that small restaurant were going to leave, bitching about the service and food they received because no one bothered to tell them what is going on.

People are understanding.

So, with a little communication a lot of upset people could have been avoided. If they would have said something like:

Hey I’m sorry we’re really behind today, It’s been super slow all week so I gave some of our staff the day off, and we surprisingly got slammed with 60 people in for lunch. So service and food is going to be a little slow today, I hope you don’t mind working with us….

At that point you have the option of staying and understanding what you’re getting into, or saying sorry I’m short on time, I’ll come back another day.

Owning multiple businesses, and being a self employed entrepreneur for most of my life. I know one thing as fact: Clients crave communication.

If you’re not communicating with your clients, chances are that they don’t know what’s going on, and they’re making their own assumptions on what’s going down. Same as in your relationship.

It may seem simple, but I’ve seen a lot of small business owners (including my past self) try and hustle harder in order to get a job done, without ever properly communicating with the customer.

This leads to pissed off customers. One’s who will discontinue services, or demand their money back. In one of our companies, reporting is very important. You might think they can just look at the results they’re getting, and the number of new leads coming in, however, in order to keep them positively moving forward, they need to see reports. Even if they don’t look at them, they want to know those reports come in, and they can check them out if they want.

Alternatively if a client is being a dick, and you’re too afraid to stand up to that client, and set boundaries for their actions, or what you expect. They will walk all over you. They may not even do it consciously. They’ll just continue to take what they can get, until you say no more.

You’ll get pissed off by not saying anything, and the project you’re working on will continue to balloon to an unacceptable level, costing you more than just your time.

Your wife, your girlfriend, your customers, and clients just want to know what’s going on. If you’re communicating and upfront and honest with the situation, you will be a lot happier, and she’ll be a lot happier.

One last note: When you are afraid to communicate what you want, you hold yourself hostage, no one else. You’re locking what you want away, in a jail cell in your mind, but you’re letting it taunt you, and scream at you through the bars. Eventually it eats at you bit by bit, building up resentment, frustration, and anger. Waiting for the moment to break free and explode.

This is true for money, work, relationships, kids, family.

You can’t be happy by locking it away. You can’t be at peace. Which means she can’t be at peace. For her to be happy, you need to be happy.