No man enters into a relationship with the intention of losing his woman. No man gets in a relationship thinking he doesn’t want his wife or girlfriend to be happy. In fact, seeing his woman in pain, struggling, hurting is what drives most men to be better men. It’s the root cause for many men to step up and do what they must to support, and provide for his family.

He wants to see his wife happy. He wants to see his family thrive. When you enter into a relationship, that woman you’ve paired up with is now part of your family, and you’ll do anything to see them enjoying life.

That’s why we do what we do, to ensure that our wives are happy.

However, I believe the way we’ve learned to bring happiness to our wives – especially if you’ve been raised primarily by your mother (whether she was a single mom, or it was because your dad was working his ass off away from home to provide for your family) – doesn’t work. The way we’re encouraged to bring happiness to our wives from society doesn’t fully work.

In fact it’s backwards. Our energy is being misdirected, and because of that we live in a society where more women are on anti-depressants than ever before, divorce rates are higher than ever before, and more men are committing suicide than ever before.

It seems like a byproduct of this new coddling culture, where now as men, we feel we need to do everything to support and encourage our women to succeed. Even going so far as to join their teams, get on her mission, and follow her path. To a point where men are refusing to take a leadership role in their families and are asking their wives to make all the decisions (important and small) for them.

Forcing his wife to take on the role of mother, not just for their children, but for him too.

 

It’s all spiraling down hill, and because of human nature we keep trying to push harder into doing the same thing today’s men and boys are being encouraged to do. Forgo their own desires and ambitions to fully support the women in their lives. Asking their wives and girlfriends to lead them, and tell them where they are supposed to go next.

Rather than standing up and forging your own path. Letting her forge hers. Raising your kids together in a way that encourages them both to be strong leaders in society.

You can’t have a happy family by painfully sacrificing your desires, and your beliefs to follow someone else’s path. Even if the path you’re following is your wife’s.

She wants you to forge your own path. That was the deal you made when you got together. You were a man who was on his own path. You bumped into each other on that path, and she never intended, asked, or even hinted that you get off your path and get on hers. Society may have, but she didn’t.

The truth is: She can’t be happy, and never will be happy as your partner, if you are not working toward your happiness. Your own success apart from her.

I don’t care if you’re working 100 hours a week to try and make your wife happy, or if you’re a stay at home dad taking care of the kids, while you support your wife working 100 hours a week (to make her happy).

If you’re doing things to make your wife happy and you’re not living a life you want to live, you’re not going to be happy, and she’s not going to be happy. 

Something needs to change – or else – something is going to snap.

This probably goes without saying, but I’m going to say it anyway.

The way to your woman’s heart is not by putting her on a pedestal and doing everything for her while sacrificing yourself. You’re not a gallant knight going off to slay the dragon so you can either die or win your woman’s heart.

The way to her heart is to become the man you’re meant to be.

Doing everything you can to make her happy is one thing. If you’re doing the right things. (Leading, showing up, taking action, working toward your dream, staying healthy)

However doing EVERYTHING FOR HER in an attempt to make her happy while letting your physical fitness, your mental fitness, your work, your dreams, your passions fall to the side is a death sentence for you and your relationship.

Unfortunately this is how too many men have floundered in their relationships.

Wanting to make their women happy while ignoring their own needs. Putting aside their health, their business, their dreams in order to follow her path. Believing that if you follow her path it will make her happy.

After all, happy wife, happy life right?

But what happens to that happy wife when you’ve become complacent about your need to be happy? If you spend more time devoted to what makes her happy, you would think she’ll naturally be happier right?

Then why is it that even though you do everything you can for her, she’s still telling you that she’s not happy?

Maybe she’s even telling you that you don’t do anything. That you’re not pulling your weight. Even though you feel like you’re sacrificing all of your time to empower her, to help her become the woman she thinks she wants to become?

It doesn’t make sense. You work hard to support her (physically, emotionally or monetarily) but there’s still something wrong.

However from a man’s point of view, it’s totally logical. It makes sense.

We’re problem fixers. You see a problem: She’s unhappy! You find a solution: Do things for her until she becomes happy.

Seems simple enough.

What hurts us deeply as men, is to see our women hurting. To see them unhappy.

Our goal, whether it’s conscious or unconscious is to see our wives happy. We want them to smile, we want them to laugh, we want them to enjoy their lives with us.

It’s simple.

However, the way to making her happy is completely different than the way you’re probably going about it.

Going about it the wrong way is how you wake up 10 years down the road and find you’ve fallen into a pit of fighting, despair, and resentment that can take many more years to climb out of. If you ever climb out of it at all.

It’s can be a by product of putting so much of your focus on her happiness, that you forego your own happiness. You put her in control of your relationship, and you become a follower instead of a leader.

Maybe you feel like you are performing some sort of noble duty, sacrificing what you want to do, in order to help her realize her dreams. After all you love her. Why wouldn’t you sacrifice yourself to see her smile?

Except the more you sacrifice, the less she smiles. The more effort you put behind her career the less happy she says she is. The more hours you put into following her directions, the more stressed she becomes.

I’ll tell you one thing… She doesn’t want you to sacrifice for her. She wants you to live your life as her strong, confident, successful man. She wants you to live up to  the unspoken promise you made to her when you first started dating.

Her promise to you was to be a woman who would love you, and you promised to step up and be her man. The one she had been thinking of since she was a child.

A strong man. A confident leader. A powerful decision maker. However somewhere along the way, you put her your version of her needs ahead of yours. You put your version of her success, ahead of yours.

I’ve been there, other men in the group have been there, and many of the thousands of men who read this blog monthly have been there.

It’s easy to believe that if we sacrifice our passions in order to help her achieve her dreams that she’ll recognize our sacrifice and love us even more for what we’ve sacrificed. You would think she would be happy, and in return you would be happy as well.

She may indeed end up being happy. Unfortunately you may also find that she’s happy with someone else. She’s happy, but she’s no longer with you? Seems kind of harsh, but how many times have you thought you were racking up points with your wife (by jumping through hoops), only to find that everything you’ve done accounts for nothing?

I bet it’s more than a few times. I know it was for me.

The truth is, if you want to win your wife, you need to focus on your happiness. You need to focus on what makes you feel accomplished, and you need to optimize yourself into being the best Man you can be.

You’ll never win your wife by asking her to validate you. You’ll never win your wife by following her into battle looking for her approval as a good sidekick. You’ll never win your wife by asking her to lead you.

She wants to see you succeed as a leader and her partner. Not her business partner, but her partner in life. She wants you to be someone she can show off. That she can be proud of. A man who has accomplishments, hobbies, and a life of his own.

You win your wife, by fully being you. Not the you that you think she wants you to be. But the you that you want to be. The man you see when you close your eyes, and have visions about.

Now there are many things involved in winning your wife.

You need to show up in your relationship, be spontaneous, have fun again, follow your path, get a hobby, say no sometimes, follow your calling, and make an impact in your world.

I’ve put together a list of things you need to do if you want to win your wife, and truly see her smiling that beautiful smile you love.  

• Be Strong (don’t get fat)- hit the gym, lift weights, and get in shape.
• Be mentally fit – control your demons, get passed limiting beliefs, strive for excellence.
• Date your wife regularly because you want to
• Make arrangements for alone time without the kids.
• Be spontaneous – do something different. Doing the same thing over and over leads to boredom.
• Keep your friends close, set nights to go out and visit with buddies.
• Remind her how much you appreciate her daily – how much you love her
• Become good at doing shit, always work on your skills, be competent.
• Be Leader in every way possible.
• Be a Winner
• Don’t let your kids come first in your relationship – Her before kids.
• Don’t complain to her – save it for your guy friends – or your Mom, not her.
• Be impeccable with your word, don’t lie, do what you say you will do.
• Better yet, don’t say – just do.
• Keep your family as much of a focus as your business or work.
• Talk with her every day about real things – not bitching or complaining.
• Walk your path, have a vision, and let her know what that is – keep working toward it.
• Have wild, crazy, passionate, sex often – keep your imagination fresh.
• Ask her for her opinion on big subjects, keep her involved in decision making on a grand scale.
• Make decisions daily.
• Don’t argue – keep your cool, remain calm, and listen.
• Get a hobby you enjoy that does not involve her.
• Encourage her to get a hobby that does not involve you either.
• Be a winner who continues to optimize his body & mind.
• Lead by example, not words – be the man (Live, Love, Lift, & Lead)

Take responsibility of where you’re at in your life and your relationship and do what needs to be done in order to make it better and happier.

Optimize your relationship by optimizing yourself.

Most importantly, start working on yourself. Focus on your achievements and what you need to do in order to become a stronger, happier, more confident man.

If you want her to be happier, lead her with happiness. When she sees that you’re not completely focused on her, and you’ve started to put your focus back on things that make you feel successful, she’ll probably become happier with you.